How can I bear grief?

What the Bible says

When someone you love dies, the world seems to stop. And yet people sometimes say, ‘They are in a better place, so don't cry,’ or ‘It's time to move on.’ The Bible is not in such a hurry. One of its shortest verses shows why.

When Lazarus died, his sister Mary fell at Jesus' feet and said, "Lord, if You had been here, my brother would not have died" (John 11:32). There was hurt in her words, but Jesus did not rebuke her. When he saw her weeping, and the mourners with her, he was deeply moved and troubled. Then comes this:

Jesus wept.

John 11:35

Jesus knew he was about to raise Lazarus. Shortly before, he had told Martha, "I am the resurrection and the life" (John 11:25). Still he wept. So tears are not the opposite of hope.

Those who saw it said, "See how He loved him!" (John 11:36). Grief is the place love leaves behind. Isaiah called the coming Messiah "a man of sorrows, acquainted with grief" (Isa 53:3). He is no stranger to ours.

Nor did Paul tell Christians not to grieve.

Brothers, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you will not grieve like the rest, who are without hope.

1 Thess 4:13

Paul speaks of grief with hope. The hope is that "God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in Him" (1 Thess 4:14). And he adds, "encourage one another with these words" (1 Thess 4:18). Grief is not meant to be carried alone.

Scripture also gives the grieving words to pray. Psalm 13 begins, "How long, O LORD? Will You forget me forever?" (Ps 13:1). The writer of Psalm 42 says, "My tears have been my food both day and night" (Ps 42:3). David prayed, "Put my tears in Your bottle" (Ps 56:8). Not one of our tears is lost on God, and he is not far from a broken heart.

The LORD is near to the brokenhearted; He saves the contrite in spirit.

Ps 34:18

Grief takes time. Joseph mourned his father for seven days (Gen 50:10), and Israel grieved for Moses thirty days (Deut 34:8). There is "a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance" (Eccl 3:4). And the church is a people who walk through that time together: "weep with those who weep" (Rom 12:15).

The church's witness

The Fathers lingered over Jesus' tears. Augustine asks, "Wherefore did Christ weep, but to teach men to weep?" Augustine Alcuin writes, "He wept in His human nature for him whom He was able to raise again by His divine" Alcuin. The one who is truly God and truly man has entered our sorrow.

On the Beatitudes Augustine says simply that "mourning is sorrow for the loss of what is dear" Augustine, and Chrysostom adds, "God's mercies are always greater than our troubles" Chrysostom.

Augustine learned those tears himself. In his Confessions (9.12) he tells of the death of his mother, Monica. At first he held back his tears, thinking it unfitting to weep for one who had died in faith. But at last, alone before God, he wept for her and for himself, and found rest in it.

Matthew Henry, on 1 Thessalonians 4, writes:

Grief for the death of friends is lawful; we may weep for our own loss, though it may be their gain. Christianity does not forbid, and grace does not do away, our natural affections.

Matthew Henry

On John 11 he says of Christ, "In all the afflictions of believers he is afflicted" Matthew Henry, and on Psalm 56, "God has a bottle and a book for his people's tears" Matthew Henry. On Romans 12 he adds, "True Christian love will make us take part in the sorrows and joys of each other" Matthew Henry.

In the original languages

"Wept" in John 11:35 is the Greek dakryo (δακρύω). It appears only here in the New Testament and means to shed tears. Just before, when Mary and the mourners are weeping, John uses klaio (κλαίω), the word for audible weeping (John 11:33). Amid the sound of mourning, Jesus' own tears fell. He did not explain grief from a distance; he stood in the middle of it.

"Encourage" in 1 Thessalonians 4:18 is parakaleo (παρακαλέω), built from "beside" and "call"; its first sense is to call someone to one's side. It is the same verb as in "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted" (Matt 5:4). Biblical comfort is not advice handed over from a distance but someone coming to stay beside you.

Common objections

"A believer who grieves for long has weak faith. Isn't the one who died in a better place?" It is true that Christians have the hope of resurrection. But hope does not erase loss; we miss the one we love now. Jesus wept while knowing the resurrection was at hand, and when Stephen was killed, God-fearing men buried him "and mourned deeply over him" (Acts 8:2). Grief and hope do not cancel each other. They walk together.

"Time heals everything. It's time to move on." Grief keeps no timetable. It comes in waves and withdraws, and it returns on anniversaries and holidays. When Jacob believed Joseph was dead, "he refused to be comforted" (Gen 37:35). Healing is not forgetting but learning to carry love in a new way. Still, if for a long time you can barely manage daily life, or you find yourself not wanting to live, this is not something to bear alone. See a doctor or a counsellor.

"If the one I lost died without faith, must I grieve without hope?" This may be the most painful question of all. Scripture does not show us the last thoughts of anyone's heart. Abraham asked, "Will not the Judge of all the earth do what is right?" (Gen 18:25). It is simply honest to admit that we cannot be certain of anyone's destiny. We can grieve while giving thanks for the good in their life, and we can entrust them to God, who loves them more than we do and who is both just and merciful.

Going further

If you are grieving, remember a few things. You may cry, and you may tell God exactly how it is. If you have no words, read Psalm 13 or 42. Look after small things like eating and sleeping, and do not rush big decisions. Ask for help, and accept the meal someone brings.

A group of people who have known the same loss, or a counsellor, can help a great deal. If grief becomes too heavy, or you have thoughts of ending your life, call now: 109 (24 hours) or 1588-9191 (Lifeline Korea) in Korea, or a local crisis line or emergency number elsewhere. You are not alone.

If you are beside someone who grieves, do not try to explain; stay. Job's friends were at their best when they sat with him for seven days without a word (Job 2:13). As Matthew Henry puts it, "Coming to comfort him, they sat down with him" Matthew Henry. Remember the anniversary, and say the name of the one who died.

You might ask yourself: Have I brought my grief honestly to God? Who will weep with me? Whose grief could I sit beside?

To read further, see What happens after death? and What is hope?, and read John 11 slowly. Scripture promises a day when God "will wipe away every tear from their eyes" (Rev 21:4).